Tips to survive holiday Travel

Originally Posted Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Hello my children, the Reverend is back for another Sermon, this one relating to the upcoming Holiday Season very much. This is a partial rant on stupidity, and a partial Travel Tips guide from the Rev himself.

For those of you who don't know, the Reverend travels quite often, particularly lately. In fact, since 9/11, the Rev has taken over 50 trips, and in that time has learned a few tips for dealing with airport security. But first: the rant:

How dumb are some of these people at the airport?? Do you seriously not realize that you need to take your jacket off when going through the metal detector?? And why would you bother arguing with the TSA people on this one!?!?!!?? Not only will it not get you anywhere, you'll serve to only piss off these people, and the people behind you!! No sympathy will be gotten from any direction!!

Now that the Rev's Rant is over with, here is the greatest tip list you'll ever need to get through airport security quickly and with minimum hassle.

1) Liquids
-According to current TSA guidelines and regulations, you are allowed to bring liquids on a plane, if they are 3 oz's or less, and all bottles are in a clear plastic container, and Lindsey Lohan is not in rehab (not sure about the 2nd one). You must pull out your bag of liquids and show them to the TSA representative. This step is referred to as a "time waster". My response is much simpler: How the hell many liquid products are you going to need on this plane ride??? Seriously!!

Conclusion: Pack your damn liquids in your checked in bag. Jackass.

2) Arriving at the airport early
-Some people you talk to will tell you to arrive at the airport at least 2-3 hours before your departure time. I like to refer to these people as "dipshits who obey whatever CNN commands them to do yet don't know shit about shit". I have never arrived at the airport (by at the airport, I mean at the counter checking in my bags) more than an hour before any flight i'm supposed to take. I've missed one flight in my entire life. There is no reason to arrive at the airport that early, unless you enjoy sitting around twiddling your thumbs endlessly for hours. I personally have better things to do.

Conclusion: There's no need to be at the airport more than an hour or so before your flight departs. None. At all. No, not that reason either. No, you're an idiot.

3) Don't be cheap. Use the skycaps. And tip them well.

-I think that speaks for itself. Oh wait, you're probably dumb. The skycaps are the people outside the airport who grab your bags from the car. Most airlines have them. Some airlines have started charging a $2/bag fee for using skycaps. This fee is completely worth it, every penny. Especially if you only have one bag to check in. They'll take care of checking your bags, and printing up your boarding passes. Tip them well for this. Remember, you're paying for the convenience of not waiting in line inside. I usually give them $5 and tell them to keep the change (for those of you that are bad at math, that's a $3 tip).

4) Going through security checkpoints

-People get so daunted by security checkpoints it makes me actually laugh. Going through security is simple if you just follow my simple rules. They are listed below:
-With the exception of your ID and boarding pass, move everything from your pocket into your carry-on or purse. Trust me. Nobody find it amusing watching you refill your pockets while blocking everybody else
-Wear shoes you can easily slide on and off. Assume you will have to remove your shoes, and in fact, prepare to do so while waiting in line by untying your shoes while standing there. It saves time, trust me. Best time saver, of course, is to wear shoes without laces. Also, if you're wearing a belt with a metal buckle, take that off while waiting in line. You'll have to take it off anyway, may as well save time (mine mostly because then i'm not stuck behind you while TSA explains why you need to take it off).
-If you travel with a laptop in your carry on (guilty), you will be required to take it out before your bag goes through the X-ray. Save time by taking it out while waiting in line (are we noticing a pattern here yet?).
If you follow my tips, once you get to the table before the X-ray is very easy. You grab a tray, place your laptop in it, place your shoes on top of the laptop, place your belt on top of the shoes, possibly get another tray if you have a jacket, and walk through the metal detector (but keep your boarding pass in hand. You'll need it.). If everybody followed these tips, there would be no security delays in airports.

Conclusion: Do as much as you can to save time while waiting in line. You're not doing anything else anyway!

5) After security

-After you've gone through the security checkpoint, most people stop at the receiving area to put everything back on and in. Don't do this. Go out to the benches and chairs that are nearby (yes, there are some there. Look for them.). Go do it over there. Stay out of everybody else's way while cleaning up people. In fact, stay out of everybody else's way in general. Please. Especially mine.

I certainly hope these tips will make your holiday travels much easier. If you follow them, you've done your part to make everybody's life significantly easier. Remember, with these tips, pass them along to as many people as you can!!

In Nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen.