Jealousy: Healthy, or Relationship Cancer

Never in my life have I cheated on a girlfriend.  Never in my life have I given thought to cheating.  I've had thoughts while in relationships of "that girl is hot" of course, and perhaps wondered how she would be in bed, but never the thought "I would cheat on my girlfriend with her".  Yet in my longest relationship, 3 years long, I had to deal constantly with jealousy and possessiveness.  It was one of the biggest things caused our downfall.

I couldn't be a few minutes late getting home without questions of why, where was I, who was I with.  I couldn't go out with friends without her needing to come along, to make sure nothing happened and that I was going where I said I was.  If it were the modern era, she would demand I enable cell phone tracking so she could always check where I was.  She made me feel untrustworthy, and like if I didn't do these things I was trying to hide something, the whole "if you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear" mentality.  It ate away at my self-esteem and self-confidence, made me feel unworthy of love.  If I couldn't be trusted, how could I be loved?  This ate me up, and took me years to recover from.  I suppose in some ways I'm still recovering.

I never asked anything like this of her.  I trusted her.  As far as I know I didn't have a reason not to.  As far as I know she never cheated on me.  If she wanted to go out with friends, I was perfectly okay with that.  She wanted to go to a club?  No problem.  As long as she was coming home to me at the end of the night, I didn't see a reason to have a problem.  She even had a problem with that mindset!  We argued about it constantly!  "If you cared about me you'd get jealous.  Obviously you don't care" was her battle cry.  My reply was "I trust you.  If I thought you would cheat on me, why would I date you??"  She would have girlfriends tell her how lucky she was to have a guy who didn't get jealous, and she would get mad at them for it!! 

I have since learned that her stance on jealousy is not unusual.  Some people will have you believe that to be jealous is the ultimate sign that you care for a person.  When I ask those same people how it is a sign that you care, their responses are "it's a sign that you love them" and "it makes a person feel desired".  These are not answers that show benefits of jealousy though, rather these are signs of the insecurity's of the person answering.  That THEY want the person to be jealous so that they can validate something they feel is missing from their own lives.  As Francois de La Rochefoucauld said, "Jealousy springs more from love of self than from love of another."  These are not valid reasons for the benefits of jealousy!

I am a man who does not believe in the "merits" of jealousy.  Jealousy is pointless, and nonsensical.  More importantly, I believe jealousy demonstrates a LACK of love, rather than being demonstrative of it as the "pro-jealous" people will have you believe.  I am a firm believer that "Love" and "Trust" must go hand in hand in a relationship.  You cannot have love in the context of a relationship without also having trust, and jealousy is the antithesis of trust.

When you're starting to get serious and "exclusive" (to pull a Saved by the Bell term out) with a person, one of the most important questions you should be asking yourself about them is:

"When the opportunity to cheat presents itself, what will they do?"

and yes, I did type "when" on purpose.  Don't kid yourself, the opportunity to cheat is always there.  If your significant other (SO) exists, they have opportunities to cheat on you.  If you have an SO that doesn't exist, then jealousy may not be your problem, and you might want to locate a nearby psychiatrist.  Just saying.

Some people do, of course, have more opportunity to cheat than others.  The more attractive your SO is, the more opportunity they will have.  The more they're away from home, the more opportunities they will have.  The more power/fame they have (or the higher up on the corporate ladder perhaps), the more opportunities.  I'm sure there are more examples, but you get the basic picture.  The beauty of the question I pose is that while all of these items will be factors, it ultimately doesn't change anything.  Either you believe the person will cheat, or you believe they will not.

I say "you believe" because at the end of the day, that person might still cheat on you when the opportunity comes up.  There are no guarantees.  A person you have absolute faith and trust in could cheat on you and break the trust.  It's all a crap shoot at the end of the day.  So why bother with the question at all?  Very simple.  If you believe somebody will cheat on you when the opportunity presents itself, there's a very good chance that person will cheat on you at some point.  Why put yourself through the torture?  Isn't it better to live your life and deal with things that happen when they happen, rather than wasting brain power and your health worrying about the things which MIGHT?  Plus you have the very distinct possibility of seeing what's NOT there!

What do I mean by that?  To quote Johann Christoph Friedrich von Schiller, "O jealousy! thou magnifier of trifles."  Life is comprised of a lot of self-fulfilling prophecies.  If you think somebody is cheating, you're going to see signs that they are, whether or not they exist.  When they don't respond to a text message quickly you'll wonder "is he/she cheating on me?"  When they come home from work half an hour late "I bet he was banging some skank".  When you go to your SO's company Christmas party, you'll start looking at every person there thinking "is this the homewrecking bitch/bastard?".  You see where I'm going here.  Not healthy, not useful, and not productive.

This isn't to say you should ignore REAL signs when you see them.  A man coming home with lipstick on his shirt that's a color you would never wear.  A woman smelling of cologne that you would never wear.  Coming home from work early to find your wife with a cowboy hat on going reverse cowgirl with a guy underneath helping her bounce up and down while she screams "YEEEEEE HAWWWW!!!".  All signs that something might be going on.

Of course as we all know, the healthy reaction to those signs is to keep it to yourself that you know.  To sneak their phones away from them and read their text messages.  To sneak into their e-mail and look for messages.  To enable the GPS tracker on their phones without telling them and watch it constantly.  To put a keylogger on their computer to make sure they haven't created a secret e-mail account.  These are all healthy, beneficial, proper responses.

Wait, sorry, I had "healthy" and "unhealthy" mixed up in my mind for a minute.  The healthy response when you see a few real signs is to ask them.  Listen to them.  Watch their body language, especially their eyes.  They'll either tell you the truth or lie to you.  It's on you to decide which they did.  If they have reasonable explanations that you believe, then you have nothing to worry about.  If you don't believe their explanations, you need to think about ending it.  Trust is something that once it's broken, is extremely difficult to fix, assuming it can be fixed at all.  Of course if you believe any explanation for your wife going reverse cowgirl on a stranger, please set up an appointment with a local urologist for a vasectomy.  It's not in our species best interest for you to reproduce.  Of course, seeing what isn't there isn't the worst potential risk of being jealous.

The jealous person risks a different self-fulfilling prophecy: that their jealousy will push a person to unfaithfulness.  If your SO always feels that you're being unfaithful, why not just do it anyway?  What will it really change?  While this is certainly not a positive reaction to a jealous SO, it does happen.  As Gene Tierney says, "Jealousy is, I think, the worst of all faults because it makes a victim of both parties".  If your SO doesn't ever cheat, then all you will do is drive him/her away from you, and the healthy response from them to your jealousy will be to end things with you because there becomes a tipping point where a person is just no longer worth it.  It's like picking up sand, the harder you squeeze your hand, the faster the sand escapes.

Heinlein says, “Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy - in fact, they are almost incompatible; one emotion hardly leaves room for the other.”  The risks of jealousy are many, including driving a great person away from you, possibly into the arms of another, not to mention the risks to your own health that come from the time spent worrying, getting angry, and holding resentment!  The rewards are almost non-existent, personally I can't think of any.  While everybody is free to make their own decisions, I'm going to stick with my policy of "If I'm dating you, it's because I trust you.  The minute I stop trusting you is the minute I end things with you".

My 2 Page Self Help Book

On the advice of Mr. James Altucher, I am writing and publishing my own, free, self-help book. This book contains advice, quotes, statements, and occasional anecdotes that I have come across and been told over the last 29 years of being a fly on the wall socially.

Some of these are, to the best of my knowledge, original. Unfortunately over the years I have lost track of which are originals and which are taken from others. Therefore, I am stating up front that very few of these quotes are original text and ideas. Those items for which I do recall the source I will acknowledge. As I am not selling this or claiming any specific part is original, I am hoping I’m not committing plagiarism.

So begins the advice . . .

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you

Okay, I’m pretty sure this one came from the bible, and its application is universal whether or not you’re religious. It should be the single most basic principle every person tries to live by daily. It should be taught all through school and at home. It’s very simple: before you do something, ask how it would make you feel if somebody did it to you. Some things you still have to do (breaking up with a person who is wrong for you) but this will at least get you thinking about a less hurtful way.

Eliminate the impossible. Whatever remains however unlikely must be the truth

This was Sir Arthur Conan Doyle through Sherlock Holmes. One of my all-time favorite statements and one which I far prefer to Occam’s razor. Sometimes a lie can appear much simpler than a complicated truth and you must train yourself to be aware of both.

No matter how bad it seems, it could be worse

This sounds way more pessimistic than it actually is. It’s really supposed to be a reminder that your problems are rarely as bad as they seem, and you need to keep things in perspective. By remembering that there are people much worse off than you are.

Life is 20% what happens to you, and 80% how you react

Ever notice how some people out there always walk around with a smile and seem to be in a good mood? It almost seems as if life always goes their way? Well, you aren’t far from the truth. You might not be able to control everything that happens to you, so you control how you respond. Remember, positivity attracts positivity.

Change is hard, right? WRONG!! CHANGE IS EASY, YOU SUCK!!

A brilliant gem from the writers of the Simpsons. This goes back to the last statement in a lot of ways. People fear change because they’re afraid of losing what they already have. Think about this though: all those things you’re worried about losing, how did you get them? You changed something in your life that caused you to get those things. Styled your hair differently and attracted a mate. Improved a skill and got a better job. What does this tell you? Change isn’t bad. Not changing means you’ll get stagnant, and your mind will atrophy.

Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere

This is from Van Wilder. It’s a great thing to say to yourself when you start to fret over things. After saying this, ask yourself “Is there anything I can do about X”, X being that problem that was worrying you. If the answer is no, stop worrying. What will happen will happen. If the answer is yes, stop worrying and do something. Then when you’ve done that, ask yourself the question again. Keep asking until the answer is no. Then in the end you can say to yourself “I did everything I could. I will never be able to look back and say ‘if only I had . . . ‘”. Then you can start to live with no regrets, and you’ll discover that is the only life worth living!

Perspective changes perception

Have you ever noticed how two people can be looking at the exact same thing, and see two completely different things? It’s a crucial part of most therapy. Rorschach tests are some of the better known examples, and there are many optical illusions that do the same thing. Well, it doesn’t just happen there, it happens with everyday situations. Go people watching with a friend sometime. Look at the people around you and try to figure out what they’re doing, saying, or talking about. I’m willing to bet that the two of you will come up with two completely different backstories. That’s because you’re each bringing your own life stories and (here it comes) perspective to the situation!

We all need to be mocked from time to time, lest we take ourselves too seriously

This one is courtesy of George R.R. Martin through Tyrion Lannister in Game of Thrones. Mockery by those who mean no true harm by it can be truly be one of the greatest things a friend can do for another friend. It helps keep us all in check, and keeps our egos from getting too big. I’m willing to bet that most people who others can’t stand to be around simply didn’t get the proper mocking growing up. And this leads me into the single most important piece of advice here (except the first one of course):

Get over yourself

You’re not that big of a deal, and people don’t care about what you do as much as you like to think. So get over yourself and get on with life!

How do you get over yourself? Do something twice a week that breaks your normal pattern. Wear an outfit that you definitely CAN’T pull off, and wear it proudly. Be seen in it! If you don’t want to do it in your own city, take a drive to a city an hour or two away. You’ll never see the people there again, so why care what they think about you? Visit a place you never thought you’d want to go to. Buy a round of drinks for complete strangers. Browse Groupon and Living Social for deals on things you wouldn’t think you’d do, and do them! It’s only a few dollars, and there’s always more money to be made.

Money is a means, not an end

Any person who thinks of money in and of itself as a goal will die miserably. You can’t think of money as a goal, money is merely a tool to help you achieve goals. It’s true, money doesn’t buy happiness. It’s also true you don’t need money to be happy. Money is used to help us in things that will bring us happiness though. Simple things like saving up to take a trip with friends or to make sure your family is provided for. Even something as simple as buying a round of drinks. Seeing your friends’ happiness should bring you happiness. Remember, money is a means to help you achieve your goals. It should not be your goal. So spend freely! The person who dies with the most doesn’t win.

Strive to disappoint those that expect you to fail

I don't think this needs any explanation . . .

Sometimes in order for a human being to change you have to change from the outside in

Steve Martin said this in My Blue Heaven. Change isn't easy, especially changing something to do with your habits or personality. Sometimes it's easier to change something physical about yourself. Get a different haircut, wear a different style, buy an accessory (hat for example) that becomes a trademark for you. Even something as simple as make the effort to smile, whether or not you feel like it. People will see the smile and smile back, and that will make you feel better. Therefore, a change on the outside creates a change on the inside.